I have an awesome life! There have been ups and downs, but all in all I have no regrets, because I couldn’t be where I am today without living through the life I’ve lived…..
….Except for this one part of my existence that has haunted me for over 30 years – my body image, eating habits and overall health and fitness. I have lived a yo-yo lifestyle since I was a teenager. I can’t say I’m addicted to food, because by definition an addiction is a “compulsive physiological and psychological need for a habit-forming substance”, and food isn’t habit forming, it is necessary. Yet food is my drug of choice. I’m not addicted to the food itself, but the way the food makes me feel when I consume it.
My distorted body image and relationship with food have been the single most detrimental relationship in my entire life, leaving me feeling worthless, humiliated and like a total and complete failure.
This is uncomfortable! If I could brush this topic under the rug and avoid writing about it, I would. But I can’t! It’s too big, too all-consuming, too powerful….and I know I am not the only one that has or continues to struggle with this internal conflict. Maybe you self medicate in a different way, maybe you battle a different addiction, maybe you experience the yo-yo syndrome with a different “drug of choice” other than food. Whether you bury your pain and sorrow in food, alcohol, shopping, social media, drugs, gambling or exercise….you are not alone.
It’s with apprehension that I bare my soul and tell my story. But I’m doing this with the hope that you can see yourself in my journey, that you can find comfort in knowing you are not alone. And that together, as we are all Discovering Our Awesomeness, we can overcome our demons and create peace in our lives.
Looking back, I always felt like the BIG girl. In my black leotard, pink tights and pointe shoes – I felt big. In a bathing suit – I felt big. Even in jeans and a sweater – I felt big. The surprising fact is when I see photographs of my teenage years, I was NOT big. I wasn’t chubby and I wasn’t overweight. I was just short and muscular, very “Mary Lou Retton” like. The complete opposite of what society seemed to value in women – tall and lean. My negative body image was instilled in me during my teenage years, by comparing myself to other people, both my peers and those that graced the covers of magazines, and allowing my internal dialogue to become my truth.
1982: age 16 – Junior Prom – size 8
During the fall of my senior year in high school I had a falling out with one of my best friends. Sadly, it took 6 months before we were able to reunite. The break in that friendship had a ripple effect that left me feeling empty, sad and alone. So I found comfort and company in food. Barbeque potato chips, Hostess Devil Dogs, Butterfingers and Reeses Peanut Butter cups became my new circle of friends – and we met on a very regular basis.
1983: age 17 – Senior Prom – size 14
When I ate, I felt filled up instead of empty.
When I ate, I found temporary comfort from the pain.
When I ate, I shoved my sadness deep down inside.
In those 6 months of self medicating with food, I gained over 30 pounds. It was validating, because now I really was the big girl I always felt like!
I arrived at college for my freshman year, all five feet three inches of me, sporting a size 14 in clothes, but a zero on the self confidence scale! It didn’t help that I was assigned to the only all girls dorm, and it wasn’t even located on the university campus. Oh yeah, and I really was the biggest girl there!
What sometimes appears to be the worst case scenario, turns out to be exactly what we need! Had I not been placed in that particular dorm, I would never have met my life long friends – Ronni, Stacey & Sue! It didn’t matter to them that I was the big girl, they embraced me with all my rolls of fat, and slowly, their friendship began to restore my belief in myself.
I wanted to look on the outside like I was beginning to feel on the inside, so I began my first diet. I was not informed or educated in proper nutrition or how to effectively lose weight. I just knew if food was the enemy, the thing that made me look the way I did, then I should avoid food as much as possible. A friend introduced me to speed, an amphetamine that was commonly available on college campuses to help pull the often needed all-nighter in preparation for an exam, or to complete a research paper. When I took speed I lost my appetite, and the weight melted off in a few short months. I was once again happily living in a size 8, and had successfully completed my first round of the yo-yo lifestyle.
1984: Age 18 – Sophomore at college – Size 8
The next 7 years were filled with a constant fluctuation of gaining 10 pounds – losing 10 pounds. The weight gain during this time of my life was a result of social eating – eating to celebrate, eating with friends, eating for pleasure. There was no portion control, no calorie counting – just pure indulgence. I learned that I could eat what I wanted, and if I just cut way back (stopped eating) for a week or two, I could drop the 10 pounds almost instantly. Thus reinforcing my yo-yo lifestyle, over and over again.
1991: age 24 – Work trip to Colorado – size 10
Then one day my guy got on his knee and proposed to me. After 24 hours of celebration, my mind turned to the details of planning a wedding. Top of the list was my dress, my dress size, the number on the scale and the fact that this would all be documented by a professional photographer. I typically fluctuated between a size 8 and size 10, which was respectable. But I took the yo-yo to a new level and found myself in a brand new number – a size 6 on a my wedding day.
1992: age 26 – Wedding day – size 6
1992: age 26 – Honeymoon – the ONLY time in my life that I wore a bikini – size 6
Life was good….and crazy! We were newlyweds, newly relocated to an area where we didn’t know anyone, and new business owners working 7 days a week in hopes of building a successful restaurant delivery business. This time I used food to combat all the stressors in my life, but the extra 20 pounds really only added to the stress. Being close to my thirties now, I was startled to find that the weight didn’t melt off as quickly as it had in my early twenties.
Already 20 pounds overweight, I became pregnant with baby number one, which I believed granted me permission to eat anything and everything I wanted. Pregnant women are supposed to be fat, right? I gained 30 pounds during the pregnancy and hit a new personal weight record. After giving birth, some of that excess weight came off, but 2 1/2 years later I found myself pregnant again, this time with a higher starting weight.
1995 – age 30 – Only 6 months pregnant, but I look like I’m ready to deliver – size unknown
The first 10 years of motherhood encompassed my thirties. There were ups and downs in parenting, in my marriage, in my extended family, in my friendships, in life. With the ups – I would celebrate by eating. With the downs – I would medicate by eating. The repetition of the yo-yo cycle became second nature. There was much in life that brought me happiness, and yet I was never filled with joy. I would find happiness as the number on the scale decreased, but I had conditioned myself to believe it wouldn’t last, because it never did. Life was a struggle – I was either struggling to lose weight or struggling to not gain weight.
1996
1996: age 30 – Brand new mom – size unknown, but 14’s were too small
1999
1999: age 33 – Maid of Honor in cousin’s wedding – size 10
2001
2001: age 36 – Summer vacation in the Outer Banks – size 14
2003
2003: age 38 – Ski trip in Colorado – size 10
I hit ROCK bottom in September, 2005, when I arrived at my surprise 40th birthday celebration, surrounded by 75 people – family and friends from near and far, who loved and accepted me exactly as I was. But I was drowning in 40 extra pounds that made me feel like a failure, embarrassed, and worthless. No matter how much unconditional love was being showered on me, I couldn’t accept it or return it, because I certainly didn’t love myself.
2005: age 40 – Surprise 40th birthday party – yes that’s sweat, it was a hot night in September and we were dancing! – size 14
I could have masked that pain with more eating, but the humiliation, anger and disappointment at myself was so strong, that they became the motivating factor to make drastic changes in my life. I had previously tried the South Beach diet, Body for Life, Weight Watchers and a multitude of other unsuccessful programs. In search of something new, I joined Jenny Craig. And for the first time ever, I committed to an exercise program with a personal trainer. Exactly one year later, when I turned 41 years old, I was in the best shape of my life! Not only was I a size 6 again, but I was fit, toned and strong. I felt great about my accomplishments, I felt great about how I looked and most importantly, I just FELT great! I knew this would be the very last time I would ever yo-yo again!
2006: age 41 – Summer barbeque – size 6
BUT IT WASN’T……
I don’t have the answer! But I’m living this journey as I write, so I invite you to join me again on Wednesday as I share the next chapter and how I am finally discovering what it feels like to be hopeful and to believe in myself.
with Joy & Gratitude,
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